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Warden
 ♥ My name is Alicia. I go by ALMIGHTYALICIA on the net. musings
I adore loud stuff and bright colours. I am a HUGE movie buff. I also spend half my life watching various TV shows. I practically worship the Moon. And I like observing the clouds.
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Posted Sunday, February 19, 2012 // 11:35 am
Without love standing by at all times
 I had all my friends that meant so much to me, they stood by me the entire year. Then things just got so wrong and so horrible after that year. All it never stopped. I don't wish to say that I am, at this rate, going to hit rock bottom. I don't know, it's always a curse to say you are hitting rock bottom then after a while, you honestly hit lower than rock bottom. I know that I do have some trust issues and a whole lot of insecurities. I tend to push people away when I sense that things are heading to a dead end. Or have reached a dead end. And I only look back when I realised for things to ever be fixed, it would be never cause it's all too late. Hence, I tend to paranoid that that exact scenario can occur anytime soon. I do feel at a loss when I let that paranoia in. And even more when it really do happen again. Losing a friend that I invested all my emotions and feelings to let myself put my guard down and let him/her down. I still don't know how to deal with it except to deny and reject it from the "things that you might want to fix on" files. I hate feeling that one day, all my friends I have would just either turn their back against me, totally ignore me and push me out of their lives without warning, or simply just stop communicating because of reasons. And when we bump into each other in the future, it would either be a whole lot of eye-rolling plus ignoring or awkward small talks. Worst still, I would still be all alone at my place. Probably even die a virgin with my golden retriever next to my rocking chair. Yes, I know I am letting myself be some lonesome freak though it hardly is the case, yet. But whenever my insecurities surface like right now, I tend to go towards my past and all those failed relationships that brought me such pain. And I am talking about especially friendships. I guess I just really am afraid to be alone. Just like my dad, he is terrified of being alone, feeling the loneliness in him eat him up from the inside. He insisted that everyone to be there to see him leave, and he did see each one of them before going. That's how much he hated being alone, not even on his deathbed he allows himself to be alone. I think I inherited that, the clingy-to-friend habit just to cure a bit of the emptiness in me. But now, I just feel that void in my heart just expanding, and it doesn't seem to want to stop and cure this panic I have. Labels: insecurities |