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Warden
 ♥ My name is Alicia. I go by ALMIGHTYALICIA on the net. musings
I adore loud stuff and bright colours. I am a HUGE movie buff. I also spend half my life watching various TV shows. I practically worship the Moon. And I like observing the clouds.
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Posted Saturday, April 28, 2012 // 12:08 am
Think of yourself as "better"
 I have been the queen of bad first days since Primary school dammit. I had a lousy time in my Primary 1 and my blog practically document my first month on CTSS. Poly sucked for me too. Even though right now it's technically the second week but hey, it's the first week of lesson. It got better, much faster than when I was trying my hardest to struggle in CTSS. But the first day was definitely absolute shit. I'm not even going to try and butter it up so it seems less bad or a slight better. Okay going to school is a hassle because when classes start at 9am, so do people. And people likes to take the only bus you have access to your school even though your bus left the interchange literally three bus stops ago. It's so frustrating looking at two buses pass you by and the clock is just being a fucker ticking away the time and approaching 8.30am, aka the if-you-are-not-on-the-bus-right-now-you-are-late time. But that didn't happen on the first day. That happened on the second and the fourth day. Here's what happened on the first day. We are introduced to our class, like finally. Even though we should already during orientation, don't get me started on that. I have to say that bringing your laptop is the most important shit in Polytechnic, and having no close friends in my course or my school, I didn't know that, until it was the first day of school. I looked like a fucking loner being the only one without a laptop when the modules started to variate to "laptop not necessary" till "you're a loser without it". So my lecturer saw that and went ahead doing the Illustrator teaching and making me look even worse than before. I was feeling horrid about myself already and nothing really helped to perk that out. I made some friends but none really clicked. And most of them are in pairs going to the same course. So I'm left with zilch amount of choices. Did I mention all of the girls in my class are Kpop fans? You can only imagine my horror. There's more factors to my depression but I'll explain when people ask. Anyway, I'm pretty grateful my timetable is fantastic. Packed and no long breaks here and there. One module a day of some sort. I am extremely stressed from the magnitude of the work that has to be done though. So many reports and tests to study for and presentation that just can't stop pilling itself up. Visual Communication is easy to finish, at least. I feel very insecure with my ability to handle these modules, they are really important and I don't feel as confident as the rest of my class. Or at least I don't fake it as well as them. I don't want to retake them or fail them. And the entire system of the school is honestly completely different. It is faster, more on the money, and less concerned about the students. It's such a new environment to adapt to and get used to. I'm petrified about being not good enough to earn a place in university or even close to getting a scholarship so that my finances wouldn't be strained. I really want to but I'm just not confident. I hate that. It's a very jittery feeling and I don't like not feeling sure about myself. Argh, I always have these problems when a bad first day sets me off. Need to quit that. On a brighter note, I am really happy to join the English Drama Club's sub-club, Stage Improvisation Club. It was a pleasant experience I had these past two days. Though the fact that it is a new CCA and is under probation scares me. What if after one semester, we still don't get 20 people and our club just ends like that. It's terrible news, especially for me. Seriously, the Stage Improv Club has only ten members. It's that small and insignificant. Not to mention unknown. But it was so fun and such a nice relief from my terrible experiences in this past week. I was really happy for it. I really needed that nice atmosphere and non-stressful situation to be in. Also good company and common interest. So deprived. I wish I can get a glimpse of the future. And set my mind to "Everything WILL be okay". Labels: feeling down, feeling lousy about myself, school is killing me |