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Warden
 ♥ My name is Alicia. I go by ALMIGHTYALICIA on the net. musings
I adore loud stuff and bright colours. I am a HUGE movie buff. I also spend half my life watching various TV shows. I practically worship the Moon. And I like observing the clouds.
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Posted Sunday, April 28, 2013 // 1:01 pm
My mind is a mess
 I have this really strange dream yesterday night where all the people that I actually knew or rubbed shoulders with before were gathered together for some dinner thing. It was like prom except it was outdoors in this magnificent garden and the tables and chairs were those exquisite white wooden ones you see in erm, sorry but the only movie I can relate the idea to you is the Twilight's wedding scene. It wasn't anyone's wedding but everyone I've ever known is there, bitches or not. They weren't there for me, of course, already said, not my wedding or anyone's. But there was this host who was choosing the most well-loved person in the room and was going around collecting ballots. Apparently the host go to each table and the table just nominate a person. What a weird system, I know. But anyway, there was this girl on the table next to mine, name shan't be disclosed, who was throwing a hissy fit that if she isn't the most well-loved, she is going to rage and blah blah blah. The host then got to my table and the girl next to me just instantly nominated my name. And I freaked out because I hardly had a clue what was going on and suddenly I was involved in this "competition". I just assumed that either way I was not going to win and the host just tossed me a knowing look. All this time, the girl on the table beside still yelling for the crown. But I couldn't be bothered with her because 1) I was rather scared of her and her friends and 2) I am still freaking out and feeling insecure that people would just see me as voting for myself and call me a egomaniac bitch when the host announce the nominees and my name pops up. The results was about to be announced and the girl finally shut up. But before that the host came over to my table and let me glance at the paper with really odd symbols indicating the votes (talk about secrecy). I was really confused because she must be showing me cause my name was beside one of the votes but I couldn't read the language. Then she explained to me what was going on. I was really awkwardly doubting her word but then she just leaned down and told me not to belittle what I have or who I am. And as she told me, little flashes of the things I had done for very few of the people around me appeared before my eyes. She was literally proving to me that I'm worth it. Then she stood up and took the microphone to her face and spoke. But before I know who was the winner, I woke up. It seemed very egoistic huh, the dream I just accounted on this space. But I really needed that dream because for the past year, I felt really lonely and abandoned. I never told anyone because I have always bottled my problems up since I assumed people would not be interested in problems like mine. So anyway, prior to the dream, what I felt was like if I were to die in this moment, people would mourn for the delicacy of the subject but none of them will dwell or remember who Alicia Chong is or what she had left in their lives. It was a horrible thing to be stuck in your mind for almost a year but I couldn't rid it because I didn't know what else I can think of that explains my solitude. I felt really, really alone and I couldn't help but feel that all the people around me left me either because they got bored of me or they found something more interesting or better than me. Like I was not part of their lives anymore because they deemed me worthless to be included in the adventures they now embarked on. Then this dream happened. And it managed to let me see another side of the issue that had been bothering me, see it from a different point of view. It reminded me that even if I feel alone or abandoned or under appreciated, I does not mean I am worthless in this world. I might not feel like I accomplished a lot for myself, or enough to make me feel happy and proud of who I am, but that does not mean I did not accomplish anything in the past 18 years. I touched lives that I hadn't even noticed and I had to (pathetically) have a dream to remember that I did do shit for people; and I am worthy, more than I give myself credit for and the reason I am in this awful place I had put myself in the last year was only because I wanted to feel sorry for myself. And I shouldn't. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself because that only made me more and more unhappy as time goes by. I need to snap out of the self-pity and learn to appreciate myself more. Do what makes me happy and what makes me... Me. It may sound very silly because it is just a dream, what if my friends really did not want to be friends with me anymore? Or what if my life really suck? Well, it doesn't matter. I can't dwell on what I don't know. It would be an utter waste of time. I can only look at what is before me and plan my next step. I am done wallowing in my own negative and self-pitying head and I am done trying to take control of my life. It's too tiring and destructive to continue upon this pattern knowing I would only eventually spiral down to possible insanity. It's time for a fresh start. No I'm not going to delete my blog or move to Antartica or anything drastic. But I am going to learn to love and appreciate. I am going to change my mindset and deter my head from slipping into thoughts that does nothing to make me happy, or thoughts that haunt me in a way that makes me feel worthless. I am going to look forward and find a way to accomplish my dreams and goals in life. I don't know how to do so, and as much as it scares the crap out of me (the unknown, I mean), I look forward to being scared. Labels: 50 me look at this, my dreams |