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Warden
 ♥ My name is Alicia. I go by ALMIGHTYALICIA on the net. musings
I adore loud stuff and bright colours. I am a HUGE movie buff. I also spend half my life watching various TV shows. I practically worship the Moon. And I like observing the clouds.
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Posted Wednesday, June 12, 2013 // 1:58 pm
My nose is completely blocked
 Anyway, I had my group mates over at my place last night for a sleepover since we have about 4 group projects at hand to finish up. We discussed for hours what to be done and did a lot work at the same time, so at least we have some progress. We stayed up until 4am, well, I stayed up until 4am. Everything to be done for me is almost done so I just spent the night talking and helping others with their own individual assignments. It's like I was a teacher on OT. I was awfully beat by the end of it. My head is to be kept empty for all these workload to process on full speed. I don't know if typing what is in my mind to the strangers reading would let you understand what I mean but when my mind is empty, it runs a little wild. And it wouldn't slow down unless I find something to stall it. It is driving me a little mad. It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it at all, in fact I am kind of dreading it. It's not cheering me up in any way. As I grew older, I just hate began to hate birthdays, especially my own. I don't like the interaction I have to do on the day itself, so I avoid parties. You know how people would want to use the day to be around the people they love as they commemorate the day the person was born, I don't usually have a lot of people around me and that makes me a tad upset. No, it makes me upset. It makes me angry and sad all at the same time knowing that I don't have that. It makes me irrationally bitter that I hate parties and the idea of birthdays. And it makes me insecure as the day haunt me of the amount of years of my solitude. It does absolutely nothing to cheer me up when I think about it. So I reject the idea altogether. Fuck, it's harder to breathe now. You have no idea how badly I want to have a huge, grand party whereby a whole ballroom of people is invited to join and they come together because they love me. But the ugly truth is everyone bitched about me before. I hate the idea of bringing all these people together and give them another reason to talk about me because all I want is for people to stop talking and evaluating what I mean, or don't mean, to them. I wish that I don't have a birthday, so people don't come up to me and tell me about things I might not be strong enough to hear at all. Even if they are nice things, I don't think I will believe them. I would one way or another, convince myself that they are only saying that because it is my birthday. And when it is someone's birthday, you become extra nice to them person, even if they don't deserve it. I don't feel like I deserve it. I wish I feel like I deserve it. Labels: feeling down, feeling lousy about myself, insecurities |